Judgment is Selfish

I went into a store today without a mask. It’s not something I usually do…

It was a beautiful day, so instead of driving to the pharmacy to pick up my husband’s post-surgery medications, I decided to walk in the sunshine.

I hadn’t realized I was maskless since I typically have a black KN95 looped around my wrist and a backup in my purse. When I arrived at the door of the pharmacy, a sinking feeling descended into my gut.

I didn’t bring my purse, just my wallet. And, I had discarded my most recent mask after leaving the surgicenter instead of putting it back on my wrist.

There was no one walking in or out of the store to ask for a spare. I peeked through the pharmacy door. The table that used to offer complementary masks was empty.

I covered my face with a sweatshirt and hurried to the counter to buy a mask, but there weren’t any. I went back outside.

I had a decision to make:

Do I walk the 20 minutes back to the house or do I go inside and grab the medication that was needed now?

I ducked back in.

There was only one person in line ahead of me at the pharmacy counter. Everyone around me was wearing a mask.

I stood there for less than two minutes, but in my panic, it felt like an hour. My palms were sweating. My gaze was averted to the floor. My heart was pounding.

I felt sheepish. Embarrassed.

What did not wearing a mask mean? What was I making it mean?

Early in January my husband and I tested positive for COVID. I recognized that I was experiencing the same feelings of shame in line at the pharmacy as I had when I had to tell people I had COVID.

Was I really worried about spreading or catching COVID? Or, was I worried about being labeled as uncaring, self-centered, and entitled?

It wasn’t the former as much as the latter.

I didn’t want to be labeled as a white, privileged, Repulican, anti-vaxxer who didn’t believe COVID was real.

And even more shamefully, I realized that it wasn’t other people who were judging me in that ugly way…I was judging myself and placing these judgments on others who were unmasked.

To judge another is really to judge oneself.

To assume we’re omnipotent and know precisely what another person is going through when they make and act on their decisions.

To have our own shames and fears about our identities and insecurities and think that the world is calling us out on them.

And, at the heart of everything, when we are sad, exhausted, and feeling helpless, it’s human nature to judge.

It’s easy to make a snap judgment when we are hurting and feeling that our safety and identities are being challenged.

After picking up the prescriptions and getting outside, I reflected on the walk home how easy it would be to completely forget this incident…to double down on self-righteousness and think about how my choices made sense and how others’ choices didn’t.

I believe in science. I believe in vaccinations. I believe that misinformation and disinformation are being used politically and socially to cause discord.

So that makes me right…right?

Not exactly.

Most importantly, I believe that if I don’t examine my own judgments, fears, sadness, and whatever other emotions come up, I am part of the problem.

If you feel that way too, maybe today is a good day to take a look at your communities and the people who surround you through a lens of curiosity and understanding: curiosity to question innate bias, and understanding to open a way forward.

Maybe we all can benefit from the reminder to take a deep breath and start with ourselves first.

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P.S. Here’s one judgment I wholeheartedly believe: I’m impressed by the people I’m interviewing on my new “Be The Plan” YouTube Series. If you like cool humans too, go and subscribe to my channel. So far, the feedback I’ve gotten on the insights from Rebecca Thomas & Linzy George are 💜.

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P.P.S. My episode with the AH-MAZING Michelle Martello goes LIVE today! Check it out.